We all have to make difficult choices sometimes. These choices may seem unimportant, but they could completely alter the course of our entire lives. For example, if I were to go out and buy, i dunno, a bad-ass computer, that could change my life from one day dying alone, to one day dying alone with a bad-ass computer. Important stuff like that.
I made one of these choices today.
I was at the mall today, the shitty one. (Anybody from the valley instantly knows i'm talking about Valle Vista here.) I was on my way from Waldenbooks to Babbages. Did you know the Harry Potter book is like, 25+ bucks? No Way i'm gonna waste that much money on A BOOK, when i could waste even MORE money on a video game. Bullshit.
On my way, i noticed a Victoria's Secret coming up on my right.
A guy walking by a Victoria's Secret shop presents one of the most awkward situations i can imagine. And that's cause i can imagine some pretty awkward situations. In fact, i can't even write the awkward situations i'm imagining right now, for fear of losing all respect you may or may not have for me at the moment. Just know that most of them involve inanimate objects, and your mother, crying.
Anyways, when walking by a Victoria's Secret, you have to ask yourself: do i want to be a) gay or b) a pervert? Let's explore... err, the options i mean.
Option a) Gay.
I walk by the Victoria's Secret, with my head turned 90° to the left, so that not a single ATOM of the store ends up in my peripheral vision. All right, so i managed to walk by the Victoria's secret, and avoid all awkward looks from the women inside. But what does this 90° head turn leave me looking at?
Fucking Express for Men.
Choosing to look at an Express instead of into a Victoria's Secret is just the first step towards my transformation into a gay-man. The first time, sure, maybe i'll get by unscathed. But what about the times after that? One day, i might notice a SALE at Express. A Sale? Hmmm... maybe i should go check it out! At that point, i'm already a Metrosexual. The next time, i may hop and skip towards the store and begin tearing through the shelves, in a raging rainbow fury, buying the tightest shirts i can find, all priced at the mininum, "fashionable" price of $200. Then i'll be poor, AND gay. Shitsucks.
Option b) Pervert
I give in to my curiosity, and walk by the store, while glancing inside. I'll definitely get some angry looks from women who are shopping around inside, who can't BELIEVE how inconsiderate it is of me to look into a store that innocently sells lingerie that consists of nothing more than 2 pieces of string tied to a cloth flap, and chooses to subtly advertise by putting up enough pink to build Barbie a Malibu Universe. I'll be a pervert, but at least I will have retained my manly man-ness.
Faced with this decision, i went with Option B.
It's not that i don't like gay people. Gay people are great! SOMEBODY has to tell fat, ugly people that they look like shit on TLC. It's just that, I don't feel like that is the life choice for me. Being gay just doesn't tickle my pickle. Being gay gets some guys pickle tickled, but i'm not the kinda guy that would want to RETURN said tickle.
So yea, I guess i'm a pervert. Oh well, that's being a guy for you. I walked past that Victoria's Secret with my little spying eye, and saw all the Secrets, laid out before me. With a mind full of dirty thoughts, and a pocket full of dreams, i kept on my way towards Babbages. I heard there was gonna be a used game sale, and OH, my GOD! I SOOOOoooo Totally had to be there!!!