We all have to make difficult choices sometimes. These choices may seem unimportant, but they could completely alter the course of our entire lives. For example, if I were to go out and buy, i dunno, a bad-ass computer, that could change my life from one day dying alone, to one day dying alone with a bad-ass computer. Important stuff like that.
I made one of these choices today.
I was at the mall today, the shitty one. (Anybody from the valley instantly knows i'm talking about Valle Vista here.) I was on my way from Waldenbooks to Babbages. Did you know the Harry Potter book is like, 25+ bucks? No Way i'm gonna waste that much money on A BOOK, when i could waste even MORE money on a video game. Bullshit.
On my way, i noticed a Victoria's Secret coming up on my right.
A guy walking by a Victoria's Secret shop presents one of the most awkward situations i can imagine. And that's cause i can imagine some pretty awkward situations. In fact, i can't even write the awkward situations i'm imagining right now, for fear of losing all respect you may or may not have for me at the moment. Just know that most of them involve inanimate objects, and your mother, crying.
Anyways, when walking by a Victoria's Secret, you have to ask yourself: do i want to be a) gay or b) a pervert? Let's explore... err, the options i mean.
Option a) Gay.
I walk by the Victoria's Secret, with my head turned 90° to the left, so that not a single ATOM of the store ends up in my peripheral vision. All right, so i managed to walk by the Victoria's secret, and avoid all awkward looks from the women inside. But what does this 90° head turn leave me looking at?
Fucking Express for Men.
Choosing to look at an Express instead of into a Victoria's Secret is just the first step towards my transformation into a gay-man. The first time, sure, maybe i'll get by unscathed. But what about the times after that? One day, i might notice a SALE at Express. A Sale? Hmmm... maybe i should go check it out! At that point, i'm already a Metrosexual. The next time, i may hop and skip towards the store and begin tearing through the shelves, in a raging rainbow fury, buying the tightest shirts i can find, all priced at the mininum, "fashionable" price of $200. Then i'll be poor, AND gay. Shitsucks.
Option b) Pervert
I give in to my curiosity, and walk by the store, while glancing inside. I'll definitely get some angry looks from women who are shopping around inside, who can't BELIEVE how inconsiderate it is of me to look into a store that innocently sells lingerie that consists of nothing more than 2 pieces of string tied to a cloth flap, and chooses to subtly advertise by putting up enough pink to build Barbie a Malibu Universe. I'll be a pervert, but at least I will have retained my manly man-ness.
Faced with this decision, i went with Option B.
It's not that i don't like gay people. Gay people are great! SOMEBODY has to tell fat, ugly people that they look like shit on TLC. It's just that, I don't feel like that is the life choice for me. Being gay just doesn't tickle my pickle. Being gay gets some guys pickle tickled, but i'm not the kinda guy that would want to RETURN said tickle.
So yea, I guess i'm a pervert. Oh well, that's being a guy for you. I walked past that Victoria's Secret with my little spying eye, and saw all the Secrets, laid out before me. With a mind full of dirty thoughts, and a pocket full of dreams, i kept on my way towards Babbages. I heard there was gonna be a used game sale, and OH, my GOD! I SOOOOoooo Totally had to be there!!!
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6 comments:
The other option is where you go to Express...get those awesome looking MX shirts on sale, or those tight graphic tees...
Then wear them around, grab the attention of all the females walking by since you are well-dressed (and must look rich)....then get the phone number for the hottest one, and see the Victoria Secret lingerie on a live model.
Sure you may be considered "gay" by pimple-faced teens living out their fantasies on message boards, but that is of no consequence when you look as good as you do :P
Anyway, LOVED the pickle quote....sooo funny. If you made that up yourself, you definately need to be a comedic writer!
Jesus, your brother isn't *gay*... he just... well... ok fine he's pretty much gay. But that's besides the point. The point is, how you dress and whether or not you make Victoria's Secret not so much a secret anymore has nothing to do with the tickling of a man's pickle. If you would like that pickle to be poked in your naughty no-no places, then you're probably gay. If you shop at Express for Men, then you're a man, since that is the only store available to you. If you walk by Victoria's Secret and stare at the pictures of mostly-naked models in provacative lingeree, then you're human. If you walk inside the Victoria's Secret store with a) a woman, then you're a baller, 2) another man interested in purchasing something, then you're balling *him*.
In short, the clothes you buy, the stores you buy them at, and the stores that you walk by feeling awkward about have nothing to do with whether or not you enjoy sex with men, women, both, neither, or some random combination.
Go buy a kickass computer. Electro-sexual might be easier on you.
on second thought, just go look at cute pictures of norbert:
http://www.xanga.com/doerfy/609647056/back-by-popular-demand-ie-mattpatt.html
and
http://www.xanga.com/doerfy/607181821/i-is-in-ur-sinks-clogging-ur-drains.html
Hee! i knew i was gonna get some badass comments from jesse and dorothy xD
Yea, the whole express leading to total gay-ity was totally a jab at you Jesse, cause thats how much i luv ya.
And yea, i know what you're talking about Dorothy. No, shopping at Express doesn't MAKE you gay, but writing about the heterosexuality of buying expensive clothes doesn't make for a very funny blog, either :(.
Remember, its all for "TRULY EPIC LULZ."
so, i found your blog!
and now i'm totally jealous of your blogging skillz.
but yeah. I love how because I'm a girl, I totally don't have to make these "moral decision(s) of a lifetime".
XX for the win!
man. talk about nailing the Victoria Secret dilemma right on the head man.
good stuff.
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